One of the things I am trying to improve in my life is my understanding of emotions. Most people can improve themselves and their relationships by recognizing what they feel and how these emotions affect us. There was no actual instruction in life about what your feelings are, where they come from, and how to deal with negative emotions in a way that won’t hurt you or someone else. My favorite definition of emotional intelligence is the capacity to be aware of and handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically. All that means that the “stuff” that comes up interacting with others, you can cope with a constructive and healthy way — the ability to understand your emotions. Emotions are not something to fear. They are to be understood.

The Emotional Reaction

It seems like our emotions come to us in waves of almost uncontrollable waves. One minute we feel just fine, and then like a hurricane, a feeling of fear, guilt, jealousy washes over us, almost without our consent.  But we do consent.   Emotions often rise from our subconscious through a cycle of thought we have created and followed through our lives.  We take in stimulus information, and immediately we assign meaning to it. Whatever that meaning is will almost simultaneously bring emotion to the surface, which determines a person’s action.

This little cycle is playing out over and over in our lives.  The emotions that arise are based on our history and programming. Two people could have the same experience but have it move them in an entirely different direction. Start looking at your thoughts and emotional reactions and their sources. See the patterns and the responses you have, their origins, and you will be on the way to understanding your emotional self.

Problems of Emotions

No matter who you are, if you are a healthy and functioning human being, emotions are a part of your daily life. One of the biggest problems is that most don’t understand what brings on feelings, and when they hit you, it can be overwhelming. Emotions are the alerts our brain sends to the body to avoid suffering and to lead you toward pleasure. The problem is that without a conscious understanding of your emotions, they can run your life, and usually not in a positive way.

Our minds remember all the situations we experience in life. When you face a problem today that reminds us of something that happened in the past, those similar emotions rise to the surface to protect us. Anger is a clear warning of fear. It tells everyone around you that you are afraid you are in danger of being hurt. A need you have will be ignored or overlooked. This fear can lead to actions and words of hate, meanness, and just a general insensitivity for the emotional states of others. Like sensitive babies, we cry out without concern for anyone but ourselves.

Emotional Release and Understanding

The outlook is not bleak, though. Once you realize your emotions result from the thoughts on which you focus, you can change that focus. All thinking leads to a corresponding emotional state. That is how we work. The human mind can only focus on one thought at a time, so changing the focus will change the emotional outlook. It starts with noticing what your emotions are and not just reacting to them. Look at them and see what they are telling you. If you are feeling jealousy, where does it come from? Our emotional reactions develop from experience; most of our dominant negative emotions come from our personal history. Take a moment and follow that emotion; most often, the current situation doesn’t warrant a powerful emotional outburst.

Noticing and identifying our emotions is something that most people never do. They allow their feelings to move them from one place to another. The secret is that we are not our emotions. When you feel sad, you are a person feeling low, not the sadness itself. The same premise exists for anger, frustration, fear, jealousy, happiness, joy, and love. Emotions are tools to help understand life, not life itself. We are humans with emotions biased toward our past. Knowing this can give you the key to a higher level of emotional intelligence, bringing you a genuine ability to understand your emotions.

Emotional Deconstruction

The beginning of understanding is knowing your emotional arena. You have to be able to look at yourself and your history honestly. It is easy to gloss over wounds from our lives and to say it wasn’t any problem. But those are the problems! They can’t be swept under the rug because they are always looking for a way to express themselves. It is difficult to admit that we are not perfect, and our lives aren’t still perfect. But here is a secret, nobody’s life is perfect. Look honestly at all the things you can remember hurting you or where you felt negative emotions of any kind. Accept them for what they are and let them go.

Acceptance of your issues is difficult to overcome because it makes you admit you were hurt, frustrated, embarrassed, jealous, lost, angry, afraid, or whatever emotional experience has haunted you. To do anything else is to let emotional distress from our childhood run our lives today. Shine a light on it, allow yourself to feel it, and then release it for what it was, a human learning experience that caused us to suffer in some way.

Emotions and Me

Emotional work is not something that I look forward to doing because emotions can be sticky, uncomfortable, and a little scary sometimes. To honestly look at your situations and thoughts and identify the feelings they bring to the surface is never a comfortable and easy process. I never learned about emotions and healthy ways to deal with them. I know that not expressing them and pushing them down inside of yourself, and pretending they don’t exist is an unhealthy practice.

I know that I would have emotional reactions to situations in the past and not know why responding with an automatic response. The emotional response would beat the logical, well-thought-out result. But now, I hope to look at the emotions I feel and evaluate what they are trying to tell me. Then make a rational decision. Also, I think that I had a bad habit of meditating on negative emotions and that practice creates a severe downward cycle. Changing your focus for a short time to something more positive will allow you to get out of those doldrums.

I think that emotional education should focus on our educational system so that all people have the tools to deal with failure, love, success, heartbreak, judgment, acceptance, or anything else they face in life. Having emotions is a part of being human. Developing the ability to understand your emotional responses will make you a successful and happy human.

“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand if you don’t have self-awareness if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.” -Daniel Goleman

“75 percent of careers are derailed for reasons related to emotional competencies, including an inability to handle interpersonal problems, unsatisfactory team leadership during times of difficulty or conflict; or inability to adapt to change or elicit trust.” -Center for Creative Leadership

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion.” -Dale Carnegie

“When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves.” -Jess C. Scott

“The only way to change someone’s mind is to connect with them from the heart.”
-Rasheed Ogunlaru

“No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.”
-Theodore Roosevelt

“Unleash in the right time and place before you explode at the wrong time and place.” -Oli Anderson

“The greatest ability in business is to get along with others and influence their actions.” -John Hancock

“In a high-IQ job pool, soft skills like discipline, drive, and empathy mark those who emerge as outstanding.” -Daniel Goleman