I have never liked clowns, and I don’t apologize for it. When I was a child, I went to the circus and saw the clowns there and instantly knew to fear clowns. I knew they were supposed to make you laugh, but there was just something about a person who would hide behind a mask of makeup, doing silly things that made them inherently untrustworthy. Being a clown is not something that anyone aspires to become; it is quite a derogatory comment to call someone a clown. “Look at that clown over there by the doorway.”
Today I am trying to think of a clown who did not terrorize the public. Today there are not many famous clowns; in the ’50s and 60’s you had your Bozo and Clarabell, but even they were creepy and scary. It would be fine with me if clowns and all of their clown activities were banned forever, like Mel Gibson at the Holocaust Museum.
Ronald McDonald is the closest thing we have today to a famous clown. Yes that is who I would
like to hang around with a creepy clown whose best friends with something called a Grimace and a criminal called the Hamburgler. Well, I like Grimace, and even though he steals, I like the Hamburgler as well. Kudos to those advertising execs at McDonald’s. So I guess Ronald has made a few good decisions in his life after, of course painting his face and shilling unhealthy food to a nation of willing consumers. So just a note here, I have always been partial to big purple Grimace characters and sneaky Hamburglers, it is the clowns that I don’t like.
Even cartoon clowns like Krusty on The Simpsons are not lovely people. He is portrayed as a cheap, money mulching, fame hoar. I like The Simpsons and see the development of Krusty over the years to help make some in roads to destroying the creepiness of the clown in general, but even Krusty can’t save this disturbed group of people.
A recent study that quizzed 250 children in a pediatric hospital ward found that all 250 of them were afraid of the various clown imagery that decorated the wing. As though the terminal illness wasn’t enough. Penny Curtis, a professor who worked on the study, is quoted as saying, “We found that children universally dislike clowns. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable.”
Why So Serious?
So what is it about clowns that are so damn terrifying? We decided to find out. Hence, we’d like to present Best Week Ever‘s Top Things That Make Clowns Scary. Below is a video of some lady who is Petra-freaquin-fied of clowns. The clown is Mr. Giggles. That’s weird, and she has a stuffed animal, maybe that should be a clue there needs to be an intervention.
Coulrophobia-Yup, She’s Scared of Clowns
All Movies Written About Killer Clowns are Probably Based on True Stories. In all seriousness, there was who was also, strangely, Bob Goldthwait. And what else happens in Derry, Maine if not for a child-killing clown named It? But perhaps no movie was more scarring to the reputation of clowns than the 1988 classic Killer Klowns from Outer Space, a likely true story about puke-inducing alien clowns with pointy teeth and evil eyes who trap their victims in cotton candy cocoons. If ever a movie scarred my small child brain at the age of 7, it was KK from OS.
8. Grown Men with Freckles Painted on Their Face is Inherently Terrifying. Enough said.
7. Most Clowns Are Alcoholics and Urinate Everywhere. Tell-tale sign number one that most to all clowns are alkies? They have humongous flame-red bulbous noses. Tell-tale sign number two that most clowns are probably hitting the sauce with a green-gloved fist? Wouldn’t you bathe in appletinis if your entire life was based around living a paint-faced lie?
6. Hyuk Hyuk Laughter. Who the laughs like that? Seriously, have you ever heard a normal, mentally sane person emit a laugh that sounds like their starting the engine of a Model T car? No, really, other than Goofy – who is a 6 foot tall animated Disney Dog who wears pants — I’m pretty sure no human being “Hyuk Hyuk”‘s their way through an episode of Seinfeld, you read me?
5. They Wear Onesies. What sort of baby-ass infantile diaper-fetish craziness is that all about?
4. Clowns Molest People. If you weren’t aware that clowns molest people, do yourself a favor and add the creepumentary Capturing the Friedmans to you Netflix queue.
- They Can’t Afford More Than 1 Car.Judging by the clowns mode of transportation — a Volkswagen Bug or Serbian-style two-seater that magically fits the driver and 8,000 of his rainbow-colored pals — it appears that clowns don’t actually earn a real living. They can’t even afford the kind of car homeless stoners drive! Meaning that clowns, for whatever reason, choose to do the devil’s work for a pittance. Pittance! Which might go to explain why clowns eat their dinner directly out of the can of baked beans instead of a bowl, and why they sometimes use their hands instead of the classier “wooden spoon”.
2. That Red Paint Around Their Lips? The blood of the elderly. That, or fire-engine red lipstick. Either way, creepskies!
1. John Wayne Gacy, or Clowns Will Kill You and Bury You Under Their House. Killer Klowns from Outer Space aside, John Wayne Gacy is, gigantic inflatable hands down, the scariest thing to ever happen within the clown community. Gacy murdered 33 teenagers in his town and buried 31 of those bodies under his house. And, according to Gacy’s wiki page (Warning: Do not read after 5 PM), “He said he used his clown act as an alter ego, once sardonically saying that ‘A clown can get away with murder.’” (throat clear) A CLOWN CAN GET AWAY WITH MURDER!!!
Bonus Reason: They use the devil’s magic to twist perfectly normal balloons into grotesque, creepy animal shapes.
